During this residency I decided early on to look back into my traumatic past of processing grief, accepting sexuality and reconciling religion, culture and faith. This research reactivated memories of the past which were difficult to process but healthy and healing for me to do so. I made sure I protected myself by journalling through creative writing, spoken word, looking back at family photographs, making art, talking to my mother and my partner and friends, all of which certainly helped my self-care. Re-reading the book On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (2005)by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross David Kessler; is also helping as well as understanding self-compassion better; the self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. I started off this project from a personal lived experience in my teens of not accessing any medical intervention to help with my situational depression and to utilize creativity as self-care and to see how this may help, in reference to well-being and neuroplasticity. This is ongoing personal research that I am still discovering.
The scientific research team are developing mathematical data analysis from comparing sets of data for people living with depression on standard depression medication versus psilocybin (one of the key ingredients in magic mushrooms). The team are looking at a potential future where patients have better choice, perhaps, or at least having a better conversation with their GP; in choosing what medication may work for various forms of depression. I feel choice is the key word here; developed through awareness and knowledge building within marginalised communities and for people living with depression that affects their daily live, and to reduce stigma and any barriers that exist around mental health. It’s also interesting the words used in the scientific research such as:
‘Non-normality’, ‘functional and effective connectivity’, ‘transform matrix’ – all these in some way describe or inform my trauma in my teens and twenties and the art I am making.
A digital booklet
Over the last three months I produced a digital video booklet seeking feedback from the participants who took part in the public engagement workshops in August 2024.
https://vimeo.com/1036791177 (digital booklet with artwork from the participants from the public engagement workshops)
I have also been responding to the creative outputs from three fellow creatives from the field of visual arts and horticulture, who I offered mini commissions to develop a response to my research. The feedback from everyone involved is that creativity can offer space, and the making process can offer valuable safe space where intrusive thoughts are reduced. There is something in the actual making, reflection and approach of making which can sometimes trigger difficult and complex emotions from which healing can begin to emerge. Treating creativity as a daily self-care routine may hold some temporary benefits.
Mini art commissions
Mini commission 1 - Dr Sally Bailey - Sally Bailey is an artist, writer and researcher living in the West Midlands. She successfully completed her practice-led PhD at the Birmingham School of Art, BCU, in November 2021. Her thesis - Locating a Space of Exchange: re-imagining the liminal in contemporary painting practice - reframes the liminal as a conceptual space between painter and painting, process and outcome; examining how the painter can exploit the potentiality of this transformative space to develop experimental practice and push forward current thinking.
Sally created text and a mixed media painting to which I converted through video editing to explore movement and distortion. Sally talked to me about how uncovering journals and writing from the past can take us to a place where a response to trauma lived the recycling of these writings allows for new beginnings that otherwise would not exist.
https://vimeo.com/1036798500 (A video response to a photo of a mixed media painting by Dr Sally Bailey: title: Painting Trip (2024))
Mini-commission 2- Jamie Cox – horticultural and photography, based in Birmingham, UK.
“I decided to look at root structure and how they visually relate to the brain and networks. I mostly used my allotment space for the photographs and resampled them using an AI program. I’ve never been commissioned for an art residency before, but it was helpful in terms of making time to think through my own self-care, mental health and wellbeing.”
Jamie produced a series of photographs to which I also converted through video editing to explore movement and distortion. I am also working with further photographs from Jamie Cox to develop a deeper look into root structures and visiting him on his allotment, a place where he feels happiest. He tells me how being outdoors on his allotment has helped his mental health and wellbeing; and how fascinated he is about how things grow, taking him back to his childhood days of exploring nature. Jamie is also curious about the wildlife and the beautiful fox that came close to him and looked up at him which made his year.
Mini-comission 3 - Dr Kuljit Bhogal – an inter-disciplinary artist based in Southampton.He is also an experienced teacher, group facilitator, and coach and works in the LGBTQIA+ charity sector.
"This piece was produced in response to my thoughts about using psychoactive mushrooms as a way to find relief from sad or troubling emotions. This idea that the mushrooms can offer a form of release from suffering by opening up the possibilities for how the world can be experienced." – Kuljit
Kuljit and I have been exploring a call and response art practice through the post recently and we are exploring potential digital ways of doing this too. We both feel this experimental way of collaborating allows for the unknown to be exciting and healing.
I responded to Kuljit’s sound by using it as a soundtrack for an experimental drawing video titled 1989 in the first 3 months. Currently, I am playing with Kuljit’s sound piece further, creating distortions that may harmonize or resonate with my wellbeing.
https://vimeo.com/1036800772 (Video titled 1989 (2024) re-edited using a sound file from the artist Kuljit Bhogal as part of the SMQB UOB residency.))
Current and future steps forward
Currently, I am working towards various video responses, and I am hoping to showcase a projected video for next year’s exhibition and a potential ad-hoc spoken word performance, which I am excited about. I am also going to continue playing around with experimental drawing approaches and develop these further.
The in-person workshops with attendees living with depression affirmed the importance of social connection through creativity and the value of this. In my current role I tend to run social support groups online, but the in-person experience was a valuable one, in terms of understanding non-verbal and verbal communication, observed actions and the social interaction and learning from one another in a safe space, co-curated with the participants.
Overall, I found the SMQB residency offered me emotional space and time to think through creativity as self-care and has developed my confidence to explore creativity approaches to self-care.
Thank you to Catherine, Sam and Maria for making me feel included and involved.