During this residency I decided early on to look back into my traumatic past of processing grief, accepting sexuality and reconciling religion, culture and faith. This research reactivated memories of the past which were difficult to process but healthy and healing for me to do so. I made sure I protected myself by journalling through creative writing, spoken word, looking back at family photographs, making art, talking to my mother and my partner and friends, all of which certainly helped my self-care. Re-reading the book On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (2005)by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross David Kessler; is also helping as well as understanding self-compassion better; the self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. I started off this project from a personal lived experience in my teens of not accessing any medical intervention to help with my situational depression and to utilize creativity as self-care and to see how this may help, in reference to well-being and neuroplasticity. This is ongoing personal research that I am still discovering.
The scientific research team are developing mathematical data analysis from comparing sets of data for people living with depression on standard depression medication versus psilocybin (one of the key ingredients in magic mushrooms). The team are looking at a potential future where patients have better choice, perhaps, or at least having a better conversation with their GP; in choosing what medication may work for various forms of depression. I feel choice is the key word here; developed through awareness and knowledge building within marginalised communities and for people living with depression that affects their daily live, and to reduce stigma and any barriers that exist around mental health. It’s also interesting the words used in the scientific research such as:
‘Non-normality’, ‘functional and effective connectivity’, ‘transform matrix’ – all these in some way describe or inform my trauma in my teens and twenties and the art I am making.
A digital booklet
Over the last three months I produced a digital video booklet seeking feedback from the participants who took part in the public engagement workshops in August 2024.
https://vimeo.com/1036791177 (digital booklet with artwork from the participants from the public engagement workshops)
I have also been responding to the creative outputs from three fellow creatives from the field of visual arts and horticulture, who I offered mini commissions to develop a response to my research. The feedback from everyone involved is that creativity can offer space, and the making process can offer valuable safe space where intrusive thoughts are reduced. There is something in the actual making, reflection and approach of making which can sometimes trigger difficult and complex emotions from which healing can begin to emerge. Treating creativity as a daily self-care routine may hold some temporary benefits.
Mini art commissions
Mini commission 1 - Dr Sally Bailey - Sally Bailey is an artist, writer and researcher living in the West Midlands. She successfully completed her practice-led PhD at the Birmingham School of Art, BCU, in November 2021. Her thesis - Locating a Space of Exchange: re-imagining the liminal in contemporary painting practice - reframes the liminal as a conceptual space between painter and painting, process and outcome; examining how the painter can exploit the potentiality of this transformative space to develop experimental practice and push forward current thinking.
Sally created text and a mixed media painting to which I converted through video editing to explore movement and distortion. Sally talked to me about how uncovering journals and writing from the past can take us to a place where a response to trauma lived the recycling of these writings allows for new beginnings that otherwise would not exist.
https://vimeo.com/1036798500 (A video response to a photo of a mixed media painting by Dr Sally Bailey: title: Painting Trip (2024))
Mini-commission 2- Jamie Cox – horticultural and photography, based in Birmingham, UK.
“I decided to look at root structure and how they visually relate to the brain and networks. I mostly used my allotment space for the photographs and resampled them using an AI program. I’ve never been commissioned for an art residency before, but it was helpful in terms of making time to think through my own self-care, mental health and wellbeing.”
Jamie produced a series of photographs to which I also converted through video editing to explore movement and distortion. I am also working with further photographs from Jamie Cox to develop a deeper look into root structures and visiting him on his allotment, a place where he feels happiest. He tells me how being outdoors on his allotment has helped his mental health and wellbeing; and how fascinated he is about how things grow, taking him back to his childhood days of exploring nature. Jamie is also curious about the wildlife and the beautiful fox that came close to him and looked up at him which made his year.
Mini-comission 3 - Dr Kuljit Bhogal – an inter-disciplinary artist based in Southampton.He is also an experienced teacher, group facilitator, and coach and works in the LGBTQIA+ charity sector.
"This piece was produced in response to my thoughts about using psychoactive mushrooms as a way to find relief from sad or troubling emotions. This idea that the mushrooms can offer a form of release from suffering by opening up the possibilities for how the world can be experienced." – Kuljit
Kuljit and I have been exploring a call and response art practice through the post recently and we are exploring potential digital ways of doing this too. We both feel this experimental way of collaborating allows for the unknown to be exciting and healing.
I responded to Kuljit’s sound by using it as a soundtrack for an experimental drawing video titled 1989 in the first 3 months. Currently, I am playing with Kuljit’s sound piece further, creating distortions that may harmonize or resonate with my wellbeing.
https://vimeo.com/1036800772 (Video titled 1989 (2024) re-edited using a sound file from the artist Kuljit Bhogal as part of the SMQB UOB residency.))
Current and future steps forward
Currently, I am working towards various video responses, and I am hoping to showcase a projected video for next year’s exhibition and a potential ad-hoc spoken word performance, which I am excited about. I am also going to continue playing around with experimental drawing approaches and develop these further.
The in-person workshops with attendees living with depression affirmed the importance of social connection through creativity and the value of this. In my current role I tend to run social support groups online, but the in-person experience was a valuable one, in terms of understanding non-verbal and verbal communication, observed actions and the social interaction and learning from one another in a safe space, co-curated with the participants.
Overall, I found the SMQB residency offered me emotional space and time to think through creativity as self-care and has developed my confidence to explore creativity approaches to self-care.
Thank you to Catherine, Sam and Maria for making me feel included and involved.
My approach to any artwork and research typically begins with exploratory drawing and creative writing. These initial steps allow me to refine my focus and further develop a specific visual direction.
The title of the research project is "A Mathematical Method for Connecting People Living with Depression to the Right Treatment." The researchers are comparing functional MRI data set from ‘patients’ who took standard antidepressant medication with those using psilocybin, a naturally occurring psychedelic component found in 'magic' mushrooms. The aim is to explore whether we can predict better which depression treatments might be most effective, thereby offering ‘patients’ greater choice in their treatment alongside talkative and/or art therapies.
After several weeks of grappling with imposter syndrome, and after facilitating ‘creativity as self-care' workshops, I now feel more confident that I am contributing meaningfully to the overall research.
I am grateful for the time and space I have been given to reflect on the research and develop my visual responses; and I am fortunate to work with a friendly and supportive research team. I particularly appreciate the collaborative nature of our internal blog and research channels—these have been invaluable. Thank you, Catherine, Sam, and Maria, for your support.
Starting Point - travelling back to trauma
I began this project in my usual way, engaging in informal conversations with my partner and my mother, looking at family photographs, while reflecting on both my present and my past. This led me to revisit the year 1989, a period marked by significant personal trauma—the sudden loss of a sibling and the challenges of coming to terms with my sexuality and the anxiety and depression surrounding this.
Just before this project started, I was invited by Kuljit Bhogal (Visual Artist and co-founder of The Open Minds Project (TOMP)) to co-facilitate a creative writing workshop for TOMP’s annual celebration event. Facilitating this workshop helped my confidence and formed early preparation and thoughts. For this workshop I decided to allow vulnerability as a strength and nervously performed a spoken word piece (Her Favourite) to room full of people. This was a rewarding experience. By being vulnerable this allowed others to take part and produce some powerful pieces of creative writing.
In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." It's that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control.
TOMP is currently transforming into becoming “The Suryan Collective” and as part of this change, they have been reflecting on how they can be more inclusive in representing, engaging, and supporting South Asian LGBTQ+ peoples and the diversities of their heritage cultures.
Shortly after this project started, I had a welcome break to work at London Pride and march with LGBT HERO, where I facilitate online social support spaces for diverse LGBTQ+ communities. Attending London Pride march for the first time was a nice and welcomed emotional release. Spending this joyous time with my partner made me realise how far I had come and left the trauma of 1989 where the future looked bleak. I wonder how we can never leave trauma completely and in what ways it can be retriggered when we least expect it, even in times of joy; but I am resilient enough to be mindful of its effects.
Title:Do you like my pearls? (A surprise kiss!)- London Pride (June 29th, 2024)
AI
I tentatively used Chat GPT (an AI app) to see if it was able to list the types of depression. One of the depression types it offered was ‘Situational Depression’, which I connected with the most.
AI told me “Situational depression highlights the importance of resilience and coping mechanisms in mental health, and it underscores how life's challenges can significantly impact emotional well-being. Early intervention is key to preventing situational depression from worsening or leading to more serious mental health conditions.”
Some words: Creativity as self-care | Neuroplasticity | Self-soothing gestures | Roots | Networks | Memory | Mushrooms | Body scanning | Grief | Fear | Vulnerability | Anxiety | Depression | Brain scans | MRI | Wearables | Maths
Early Doodles and drawing experiments
I also started to play around with a Doodle that researchers Catherine and Sam had posted on our internal blog from the 2-day incubator event, where artists and researchers got together to get to know each other and the research. Also, great to meet the AMIGO’s who helped in terms of translating some of the language in a way that was easier to understand and offering their own lived experiences perspective of mental health and wellbeing.
The response above led on to further thinking now how to perhaps experiment visual about my trauma of 1989. So, I started to write various pieces of poetry as a way of carefully and mindfully unpacking thoughts around grief.
I next decided to create further short creative writing exercises into an experimental video response which I submitted to the Summer Showreel at Eastside Projects. Ethically, I am always conflicted in what I share publicly when it comes to the private but eventually, I carefully develop what I feels works.
In late August I facilitated and co-facilitated another workshop; ‘Creativity as self-care through drawing approaches’ and ‘Depression and brain networks – a cognitive approach’ (delivered by researcher Dr Maria Dauverman); for gay, bi, trans, queer and questioning (GBTQQ+) men with South Asian Heritage who are living with or have lived with diagnosed depression.
The participants who attended gave some valuable feedback in terms of how their isolation was reduced and wellbeing improved through being creative during the workshop and the social connection with other South Asian GBTQQ+ men. Overall, the participants felt included and involved; and developed further insight into the research.
Maria and I thoroughly enjoyed all the activities and were pleased how the participants trusted the process and added value to the overall research. I am next developing a digital response to the art produced with and for the participants who attended, with a follow up creative check-in on Zoom. I feel it is important when we are working with groups of people, we are careful not to just parachute in and then out so quickly (this can impact mental health in a negative way) but create an open space/dialogue for participants to be involved in. Channels are open for more feedback for this valuable public engagement.
Next 3 months
Over the next 3 months I will be working on the following goals:
To produce a short film composed of digital paintings responding to music/experimental sound and reflecting on family photographs.
To continue to hand draw as many imaginary mushrooms as I can.
Responding to photographs of root type structures found in our garden and allotment space.
Continue to respond to activity for small mini-commission I have given to three creatives (Dr Sally Bailey, Jamie Cox and Kuljit Bhogal) - who through the month of September are responding to my research and practice and vice-versa.
A creative check-in with the participants in November.
